This picture is from 2008 when I rode my first Herald Sun Tour. My world was on the edge of collapse. Rather than feeling any of the buzz of racing in Australia’s oldest stage race, I was feeling trapped. I was on my knees whilst pretending to stand. I dragged myself through the tour and then I dragged myself through another 8 months before leaving the sport. Not because I wanted to, but because I was paralysed by an all-encompassing fear.
Each year when the Sun Tour came round, it hurt. Not because I wasn’t in it, It hurt because it reminded me of what I once loved and how I no longer seemed capable of loving anything.
8 years later I rode the 2016 Sun Tour with Attaque Team Gusto Cycling, and in 2017 I’ve been back again.
I didn’t just wake up one day with a desire to race. I still struggle to find love for things. But, with the help of my coach Mark Windsor, I have slowly learnt to allow cycling to be part of my life despite my mental illness. It’s not a
– I’m not fixed, but I’m learning to manage!