I’ve been on medication (Antidepressants) for 7-years. At first – each time I picked up the packet, I felt like a failure. I’d rest the pill on my tongue. Not wanting to swallow it, or the shame.
Over the years, the brands and dosages have changed. With each change, I’ve battled to adjust. Spending weeks feeling nauseous. Often, even after the initial side effects have subsided, they’ve seemed to do nothing but further increase my numbness. And further distance me from the desire for any form of intimacy.
They have never been a fix. At their best – they have taken off the edge. Allowing just enough space in my cluttered mind for me to squeeze in, and start chipping away at clearing room to breathe.
For 7-years, I’ve continued to chip. Spending countless sessions with my Psychologist and hours in conversation with my Coach (Mark Windsor). Assessing and adjusting. Clearing more room. Watching as the walls cave in. Then assessing and adjusting again. Making the walls stronger.
Given the chance – I wouldn’t choose to have lived without anxiety or depression. I wouldn’t choose to have all my dreams come true. The years of darkness have become central to my drive. My drive to understand myself better; to understand others better, to challenge myself to continue to face the darkness and the shame.
It’s not over yet. There is more anxiety
to face. And, it’s allowed to be there. It’s allowed to scream in my ears “, Tim! – your world is burning” and “Tim! – you have no hope”. But – I’m also allowed to calmly face it and say “thanks for your input, but f#*k you!” And take another step forward anyway.